Open the boiler-room doors, HAL

Posted by @ 8:44 am on Wednesday 14th March, 2012.
Categories: Just for fun
Tags:

I'll assume that you know the "Ernie" tune...

You could hear his bubbles pound as they raced above the lounge,
And the clatter of his fan as it spun 'round and 'round.
And he gurgled in the attic, his badge upon his chest,
His name was Halstead, and he filled the hottest bath-tub in the west.

Now Halstead liked a gasman, a fitter known as Geoff,
Who lived at the bar of the local pub - a place well-known by Stef.
They said Geoff was too good for Hal; he was quiet, dour and blear.
But Halstead got repaired by him three times every year.

They called him Halstead, (Halsteeeeaaaaad)
And he filled the hottest bath-tub in the west.

Hal said he'd like to work like new, Geoff said, "All right, my man,"
So when he'd finished work one night he turned up in his van.
He said, "D'you want it pumping up? Pressurised like new?"
Hal said, "Gasman, I'll be happy if you just clean out my flue."

That tickled old Halstead, (Halsteeeeaaaaad)
And he filled the hottest bath-tub in the west.

Now Halstead went a knacker, so a greener bit of kit,
Called Eco Tec from Vaillant, was scheduled to be fit.
Tec tempted Stef with his flow-rate charts and his economy of gas,
And comparing his spec with the Halstead wreck it was clear that he'd kick ass.

Stef nearly swooned as the costs ballooned but Tec said, "Treat me right,
And you'll have hot baths every morning and showers every night."
Tec knew once he sampled his steamy flow he'd have his wicked way,
And all Halstead had to offer was a basin-full each day.

Poor Halstead, (Halsteeeeaaaaad)
He used to fill the hottest bath-tub in the west.

One morning Tec saw Geoff’s white fitter’s van outside Stef's door,
It didn’t surprise him to find it was still there at half past four.
Tec seemed all-appealing, economical, bright and new,
But Hal had hiked the gas-bill, and now Stef's debt was due.

And he owed it to Scottish Power, (Scottish Powerrrrrrr)
And they fuelled the most-expensive hot bath in the west.

Now Hal was dropped down from the wall, his stop-cock in a jam,
He said, "If you wanna replace me, impress the fitter-man."
"Oh why don't we fill sinks for him?" Tec sneeringly replied,
"And just to make it interesting we'll have a foot-bath on the side."

Halstead dragged him from his box and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there fascia to fascia, Tec went for Geoff’s gas-gun.
But Halstead was too quick, things didn't go the way Tec planned,
And a Fernox-spattered spanner sent it spinning from his hand.

Now Geoff he ran between them and tried to keep them apart,
And Halstead pushed him aside but a MagnaClean caught him underneath his heart.
And as he looked up in pained surprise, he saw the lack of rust,
On a shiny new bracket that hit him in the packet and Halstead bit the dust.

Poor Halstead, (Halsteeeeaaaaad)
He couldn’t fill the hottest bath-tub in the west.

Halstead was only 17, he didn't wanna die,
Now he's gone to heat up water for that sauna in the sky.
Where the customers are filthy so there’s always soap to hand,
And a combi’s life is full of fun in that steamy hot-tub land.

But a family's needs are many fold...
so Stef he purchased Tec,
But strange things happened on commissioning night as the folks lay in their beds.
Was that the pump a-grinding? Or the flue-fan just free-wheeling?
Or Halstead's ghostly pipe-work still rattling in the ceiling?

They won't forget Halstead, (Halsteeeeaaaaad)
He used to fill the hottest bath-tub in the west.

I need to get out more so I'll get me coat... and me spanners 😳

I'll apologise to BH while I'm out.

Halstead (Hal) Quattro
1995 - 2012
Rust in Peace

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8 Responses to “Open the boiler-room doors, HAL”

  1. Ha!

    I'm laughing hard at this and yet trying not to cry over the nonsense/useless Combi that hides in the kitchen cupboard here.

    We still have hot showers/baths but only by the combined efforts and clever use of an old cut up Chinese rice container, a cleverly arranged bin liner, some duct tape and some sheets of kitchen roll.

    Maybe you could send your pal Geoff round here? lol!

  2. BG! says:

    Originally Posted By Bigbananafeet
    We still have hot showers/baths but only by the combined efforts and clever use of an old cut up Chinese rice container, a cleverly arranged bin liner, some duct tape and some sheets of kitchen roll.

    LOL! You've been watching too many classic old Blue Peter repeats, IMO. Post some pics of your contraption 8)

  3. alan.sloman says:

    Poor ol' Hal
    *wipes tear from eye*
    Rust in Peace, indeed!

  4. Ah the description makes it sound better than it is...although the the thing is still working! We have condensate running back in through the flue to the in side of the unit which recently gave the board a soaking which promtly fell over and died. £400 for a new board means I'm too skint to get the flue fixed properly just now so its blue peter and heath robinson style repairs for now 😳

  5. BG! says:

    You know, I had visions of something altogether different - a showerhead made from a perforated rice-container and fixed to the pipework with duct-tape, a bin-liner as a makeshift shower-curtain and some kitchen-roll for towelling-down. 🙄

    Perhaps you should get PTC* to have a look up your flue? 😯

  6. BG! says:

    After a bit of further research, Sandy, I've had a better idea...

    Ask Wee Eck to replace your combi with an all-electric system. After all, with all that "free" wind-turbine-generated power up there it should cost nowt to run. Seeing as he is so sure that his grand scheme is working, it could be an interesting test of his conviction.

  7. Rice container is the drip tray, duct tape holds it in place. Kitchen roll catches any "overspill" and the bin bag cleverly deflects any "over-overspill" away from the sensitive electronics/main board.

    In other words it's an utter bodge!

    Oh, I asked PTC* on the Arrochar meet about it. He reckonedd he might be able to fit me in some time around Aug/Nov I believe lol!

    I dunno about free wind power but there's certainly a lot of hot air generated from Holyrood...

  8. BG! says:

    Originally Posted By Bigbananafeet
    Rice container is the drip tray, duct tape holds it in place. Kitchen roll catches any "overspill" and the bin bag cleverly deflects any "over-overspill" away from the sensitive electronics/main board. In other words it's an utter bodge!

    I'd say that's ingenuity, not bodgery!

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