Archive for the 'LMAO!' Category

Two wrongs don’t make a Right of Way

Posted by on November 28th 2010 in Car stuff, LMAO!

What is it about sub-zero conditions that turns drivers into feckwits? Shortly after reading Mike's post about driving in snow and ice, I went out for a short but eventful walk into town to purchase some goodies from Tesco. We've had hardly any snow here, the roads are fairly clear but that which has fallen is now iced. Slippage wasn't a problem for me - the AKU Crodas with traction control coped with ease. For others, it was a different matter...

The fun began while I attempted the traverse of the North Face of Tesco car-park, heading for the safety of the col at the cash-machine. There are clearly-marked direction arrows and give-way marks painted on the ground, and adequate signage, to let drivers know that it's a one-way system. This system serves several purposes - for starters it eases of the flow of vehicles along the narrow lanes between the parked vehicles, furthermore it makes the place safer for pedestrians (after all, the car-park is a pedestrian area).

So, there I was crossing the tarmac when a car turns the corner, contrary to the one-way system, and heads directly towards me. I wasn't too chuffed. I waved at the driver and pointed to the arrows on the road. His response was a two-fingered greeting. As I passed his window, I said "It's a one-way system, Sir." The response was  "F*ck off!" so I did - on Sundays I can do without the hassle. He drove off, clipping my shopping-bag and scattering pedestrians in his wake.

Not 20 yards further on, the same thing happened again, this time with a wannabe rally-driver in a Scooby. Same set of responses. This time, I didn't "F*ck off", I told the bloke that he was in a pedestrian area and that, driving like he was and in such conditions, an accident was on the cards. He called me a c*nt and put his foot down, I turned and headed on my way.

Seconds later I heard the bang, the crunch and the cursing. He'd run into another car. I couldn't see which one from where I was, but I remember laughing rather too loudly and hoping that he'd ran into the first feckwit that I'd encountered. "Who's the c*nt now?", I thought.

Sweet justice.

Haircut, Sir?

Posted by on August 31st 2010 in LMAO!

I found this while trawling for jobs. I wonder if they'll set me on part-time... at that salary rate, just one day per year would be enough for me :mrgreen:

The Horn of Africa

Posted by on June 19th 2010 in Just for fun, LMAO!

Source

It begs the question as to what the preferred instrument of torture will be if we get to host the 2018 World Cup.

In such times of austerity it'll have to be cheap.

I'm guessing that it'll be either the kazoo or the trusty comb-and-paper combo.

Northern Fells Wildcamping – Part 3 – Rises and Falls

Posted by on May 21st 2010 in Annual Wildie, Great Escapes, Lakes Escapes, LMAO!, Wildcamping

So there we were, on Carrock Fell, trying to figure out which way to go next. As I saw it, we had three options:

  • Stay up high - take in Knott and Great Calva, drop down to Skiddaw House, cross the Caldew dryshod at the bridge, head East up Mungrisdale Common;
  • Take a middling route - ascend Knott, drop down Snab, ford the Caldew, head South up Mungrisdale Common;
  • Take a direct route - descend the flank of Carrock Fell to the bottom of Grainsgill Beck, follow the Skiddaw House service-road to the base of Snab and then proceed as per the middling option.

Predictably we couldn't agree, so we delayed the decision and took a short-cut back to the bothy-shed, where we made a brew and reassessed the situation.

Chris didn't fancy slogging up Knott and Great Calva, and I'd been up them before, so we resigned ourselves to backtracking down the beck and fording the Caldew at some convenient point. At least I had the opportunity to grab some pics on the way down, and we met a couple of walkers heading up the Cumbria Way. These were the first folk that we'd met, and by strange coincidence the bloke worked for the same company as Chris, albeit in the Netherlands not the UK. A bit later on we met another bloke sweating his way up the beck, we didn't chat for long as he seemed intent on gaining the ridge. Anyway, back to the beck pics...

 

Falls in Grainsgill Beck

A beautiful watersmeet

Passing the old mines, we decided to read the sign that we'd disregarded on the way up:

Don't disturb the rocks!

 

On reaching the Caldew we walked along the service-road looking for a place to ford the river. I was dismayed to find this stash of empties at the side of the road - FFS, if some twats have gone to the trouble of driving all the way up there for a session on the vodka, it wouldn't have been much extra effort to have taken their empties back down in the same car, would it? These lazy inconsiderate arseholes should be banned from the fells, IMHO. If we'd been heading down, we'd have carried the rubbish out, but we had to leave it.

 

Evidence of arseholes

 

Shortly after that we found a suitable fording-place. I rock-hopped to the middle and balanced on a slippery flat rock, looking for the next dry step, but there was none. With a quick two-step in the calf-deep water I was soon on the far bank, with damp boots and socks but no other ill-effects. I warned Chris about the slippery rock and advised an alternative, but she stepped on it anyway and it got the better of her. In slow-motion she leaned too far, her pack dragged her over even more and she ended up lying in the water. She was fairly-well drenched. I didn't dare to laugh. OK, OK, so I did laugh. Lots. And loud. Being a decent, caring sort of chap, I raced off downstream to retrieve the dropped water-filter bottle and left Chris to find her own way to dry land. She was wet but uninjured, so we sat in the warm breeze and had lunch while she dried herself and her kit. Oh, and we laughed a bit more, just for good measure:

Chris drying off

We were at the bottom end of Long Gill, and looking at the map we figured that the best thing to do was to go straight up to Bowscale Fell. Redressed and fit to go, we had one last look up the Caldew towards Skiddaw House. A bit further up the river we could see something that looked like a bridge, and Chris gave me some stick based on that impression. Luckily for my reputation, subsequent investigations indicate that there isn't really a bridge at that point, so the soaking wasn't in vain:

 

Looking up the Caldew

The walk up to Bowscale Fell was a real hard slog with no paths through the tussock-grass and mossy ground on the unremitting slope. Over an hour later we reached the top:

Chris approaching the viewpoint cairn near the top of Bowscale Fell

Bannerdale Crags and Blencathra from Bowscale Fell

A rare picture of me

From there the next objective was a rather more easy proposition, with gentle paths skirting the drop-off and leading up to Bannerdale Crags:

Bannerdale Crags

The view from the edge of the crags was worth the effort:

The viewpoint cairn on Bannerdale Crags

Blencathra beyond the summit of Bannerdale Crags

From there it was a simple and straight descent to the col at the source of the Glenderamackin...

 

Heading for the col

and onwards to a nice dry pitch on the north-west side of the col, looking down Blackhazel Beck.

Pitched above Blackhazel Beck

 

After another good meal and a lot of rehydration, Chris settled down early while I went out for an easy evening stroll to the cairn atop Mungrisdale Common:

Approaching the Mungrisdale Common cairn, with Skiddaw in the background

The back of Blencathra from Mungrisdale Common

Losing the light

After spending a while there appreciating the utter quietness of the place, I headed back to the tent, pondering the fact that we'd only seen three other walkers during the day. I was hoping for a sunset worthy of our efforts, but this was the best that could be mustered:

 

The sun setting over Great Calva

To be continued.

World Cup Fever

Posted by on April 20th 2010 in LMAO!
Tags:

Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2010 19:47:06 +0100
Subject: Investment:World Cup 2010
To: my email address deleted
From: World Cup Committee <nomfanemag>
Reply-To: nomfanelo@webmail.co.za, magwentshu@webmail.co.za

Dear Sir,

Having seen and gone through your profile, I am contacting you believing that with your capabilities, expertise and professional acumen, we can work together as partners, in this mutually beneficial transaction. Although in a world as ours full of suspicions and distrust, this transaction might sound strange to you especially since we have not met personally. I am presently a member of the South African Ah Hoc Committee for World 2010 which my country is hosting. Our committee was incharge of all arrangement in preparatory for our hosting the 2010 World cup.

In this light, i headed a committee given the responsibility of the Maintenance and upgrading of obsolete equipment in all training Statdia in Johannesburg, South Africa. For this a huge sum of money was allocated and was approved for in carrying out this project. A lot of foreign firms was involved in these project which has been completed ahead of the championship billed for June, 20101.

In this course of this committee duty, we made some money which we would wish to invest with your expertise in your country. Please note that this is just an investment proposal and we will discuss the partnership terms and what will be accruing to each party in further correspondence after you respond to this message. Note, that all modalities have been put in place to effect this fund transfer following all required international monetary policies and procedures.

I must apologize for this unsolicited mail to you. I am aware that this is certainly an unconventional approach to starting a relationship but as time goes on you will realize the need for my action.

Thanks and God bless.

Nomfanelo Magwentshu
Operating Committee

If I’ve told you once…

Posted by on March 26th 2010 in LMAO!, Shiny new kit
Tags:

This morning I nipped out to the local Lidl to nab one of these Keter storage boxes:

Bearing in mind that the assembly of this thing isn't a complex operation (there are only eight parts and they clip together in a foolproof fashion), I reckon that the provision of 89 identical sets of printed instructions is a bit over-the-top...

🙄