RoboCop's distant cousin shows off his keyboard skills:
Now you know why it takes so long for the Feds to file a crime report.
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Archive for the 'LMAO!' Category
The North-South Divide
My neighbour Brian's a great bloke. He's from The Smoke and despite living in The Midlands for the last 30 or so years he's not lost his accent, his relaxed approach to life or his liking for the watered-down beer that they serve down there.
He likes to grow stuff in his greenhouse and he has a friend who does likewise with other crops. Each year one will start, say, the beans and the tomatoes, the other will start strawberries and peas or something like that - you get the gist of it. When the plants are ready to grow on, Brian and his mate do swaps so that they both have a fuller range to plant out later in the season. Often, Brian gives us some of his surplus plants, and for the last few years we've had some potted house-plants and some fine runner-bean plants from him.
For some time now we've been considering getting a greenhouse of our own and I've been accumulating materials to make a suitable base for said structure. When we told Brian of our plans he was ready with advice about how to build and what to plant, and he offered us some lentils that his friend had, telling me that they'd be perfect for a greenhouse. Well, I've no idea about growing those, so I declined and said that we wanted to start off with some simple crops. Tomatoes, courgettes, perhaps a melon or two. Lentils sounded like too much of a challenge for the first year.
Anyway, every time I've mentioned the greenhouse (or lack thereof) he's been banging on at me to go and get those lentils. He said that they'd cost me nowt, as his mate just wanted to get rid of them. Eventually I relented and decided that we could give them a shot. I asked him if they were red or green lentils, he said they were grey so I assumed that they were some sort of Puy lentil variety. He said that they'd be good up by the fence where the soil was banked up against the gravel-boards . When I asked him how big they are, he said "about five foot".
Yesterday we were out in his van collecting some slabs that I'd bought over eBay. On the way back he suggested that we should swing by his mate's house and have a look at those lentils, I agreed and so the detour was made.
He led me to the side of the house where there was a mound of surplus building materials. "There you are", he said, "take what you need, we can put them in the van right now if you want them."
I stood there confused, bemused and amused. There were six of them. They were grey and five foot just as he'd said.
Problem is, they aren't lentils...
they're lintels...
grey, five-foot-long, 8" x 10" cross-section steel-reinforced concrete lintels.
I had to explain the difference. The ordeal was not unlike this. If he offers me any peas next year, I'll be wary.
It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it
Allegedly, Ella cleans and tidies her room at least once every week. Lately, however, we've come to question the effectiveness of the process.
The festering aroma in there was getting worse with each passing hot day. There was something in there, something bad.
Eventually an investigation was needed, so I donned the HazMat suit and ventured inside.
At length the cause was found...
in her school-bag...
unused since before the start of her GCSEs...
Friday 13th May, in fact.
Besides the collection of paperwork, used foil and moulding sarnies, there was an "interesting" array of fruit in various states of decomposition.
Anyone care to work out the number of oranges in the picture below?
A stern rebuke and a pair of yellow Marigolds were issued.
😈
Bong!
Today's top news stories...
BONG!
In a freak accident at the weekend a Midlands woman managed to fall out of a cardboard-recycling bag while squashing down the contents.
It was an impressive display of gravity overcoming gymnastic ability.
Luckily, the resident professional clean-up squad was on hand to mop up the mess when the loaded tea-tray was sent flying...
The offending recycling bag. The victim declined to be interviewed for this report, but is said to be "embarrassed".
BONG!
In a totally unrelated incident, the same woman discovered too late the perils of not adding enough water to the breadmix...
The not-so-wholesome wholemeal "loaf".
BONG!
GCSE exams started today after a weekend of cramming and intensive revision.
The five-week forecast predicts a sustained period of stress and angst,
this to be followed by a period of indecision and uncertainty and then a jubilant celebration before calm is restored...
Stress/Strain (Young's Modulus)
BONG!
A middle-aged bearded man has been caught planning a wildcamping weekend in the Lake District.
When questioned by the authorities, he also admitted to being involved in planning a fishing, camping and coastal walking operation in Wales...
Archive picture.
BONG!
There have been reports of a large wild black cat terrorising the neighbourhood...
Felis sedatum.
BONG!
In a fitting tribute to the quality of Skoda cars, RAB passed his MOT again today despite "irregular" servicing and maintenance...
Archive picture.
BONG!
And finally, the international news...
Reports have started coming in from the Task Force that set out across Scotland to marvel at the spread of wind-farms...
Scotland's Renewable Energy Policy in action (artist's impression).
In all probability, further details can be found by Googling "TGO Challenge 2011".
DON'T Google "TGOC" unless you have a strong constitution!
Articulated trailer
Another Beeb Boob...
Just finished watching the original Planet of the Apes movie and then flicked over to one of the BBC channels see what was on offer. There was one of those "on next" screen-shots informing us that Bruce Parry's latest adventure was next up.
According to the screenshot, it's called... "Artic" [sic].
I kid you not.
