... it seems that tomorrow will herald in the period previously referred to as "mid-May"! Word has reached my ears that the fabled "Lost Shed of Olde Hinckley Town" will be delivered here tomorrow morning, even though "There are none available anywhere in the system" . Could it be that the power of the internet has had some influence?
Anyway, the story could change again at any time. I'm not holding my breath.
I called in on spec yesterday evening to get a sitrep. The didn't "quote me happy". Their computer said "no", so they made a few phone calls to confirm the bad news... "There are none available anywhere in the system. Realistically, there's no chance of us getting your shed for you before mid-May" .
It went something like this...
Monday:
I'd like to buy a shed, please.
Yes, Sir. Which one?
The 7x7 shiplap.
I'll just check the stock... yes, we have two in stock. Will you collect, or do you want us to deliver it for an extra £20?
I'll collect it tomorrow.
OK, just phone us an hour before you want to collect it so that we can have it ready for you. That'll be £££, please.
The deal is done.
Tuesday:
Hello. I'm calling to let you know that I'll be there in an hour or so to collect my shed. The order number is #######.
OK, I'll just check that. Yes, it's still in stock and has your name against it. We'll have it ready for you.
One hour later...
Hello, I've come to collect the 7x7 shed, order number #######. The van's in the car-park.
OK, I'll just go and get it.
It should be ready - I phoned an hour ago, just like you asked.
We've been a bit busy.
10 minutes later...
There seems to be a problem. It's not there. The computer's showing two on the stock, there's one out the back on display but the other one's not actually in the stock.
So you've lost my shed? You could have told me that before I got here, that's what the one hour of notice was for.
Much confusion ensued.
15 minutes later...
We've got some options here. There are plenty of 6x8s in stock.
That's no good - I've just built a 7x7 base.
Hmm... we'll phone around the other local stores and get a 7x7 for you as soon as possible.
Well, that's no good either. I've got a van and a driver waiting here, I can't afford to pay him again to pick up on another day.
Under the circumstances, we'll deliver it F.O.C.
OK. When?
We'll tell you that when we've found one.
OK, I can't wait any longer, so we're off now. Call me on the mobile as soon as you know what's going on.
Ten minutes later...
We've located a shed for you at (another store, many miles away). When would you like it to be delivered?
Thursday, please.
OK, that's booked, it'll be delivered direct from (the other store) sometime on Thursday.
Thank you.
Thursday... late on Thursday:
Hello, I'm still waiting for my shed. The "lost" 7x7 that's supposed to be delivered here today. Order number #######. It's getting late and there's no sign of it.
The driver went to collect it but it was damaged so he left it there. He says that he phoned you and told you about it.
That's bullshit. Nobody's called me all day. If he'd called me, why would I be calling you now?
Er... um... I'll talk to my manager and get him to call you.
You've got one hour before I lose my rag.
I understand.
A while later...
Hello. I'm sorry about the confusion. It turns out that (our company) has sold thousands of these sheds during the sale, but the supplier can only make 200 a week, so there are supply problems. We're doing the best we can, and appreciate that you're upset. We need to get this problem sorted, we'll call you back on Monday. Is that OK with you?
I suppose so. Look, I could do with a job. Can I work for you as a driver? I can drive and I'm really good at bullshitting, so I am qualified.
Ha.
It's not funny. This driver - how do you explain his actions?
It was his first day.
Say what? It's OK to lie on your first day? I'll have to remember that when I start my next job.
We'll have a word with him.
Yes, do so before I do. I'll expect to hear something good on Monday.
To be continued...
The boiler had been playing up for a while, slowly losing water through the AAV which was so limed-up that I couldn't budge the vent-plug, and thus necessitating a temporary shift to "top it up now and again" mode until I got a round tuit.
A week or so ago I had a quick chat about it with a boiler-fitter who just happened to be next-door installing a new burner, and during one of his many tea-breaks he popped over and had a quick look at the mess to confirm that a new AAV was indeed required. Furthermore, he told me exactly which tools I would need and which bits would have to be removed in order to get the necessary "great big feck-off wrench" around the offending part, which is right at the back of a 2" gap twixt flame-box and outer-casing - not exactly the most accessible place to put a user-serviceable part. OK, you can get a hand on it to adjust the vent-plug, but there's no way you could get a spanner to it. The cost of this professional advice? Nothing. He wouldn't even have a cuppa.
Anyway, I got hold of a replacement part, gathered a box-full of assorted wrenches, spanners and stillys, and waited for the end of the recent cold-spell.
Yesterday dawned warm and fair, and I judged it to be a good day to start the boiler-hack. I followed the bloke's advice to the letter:
After all that fecking-around, I had a well-earned brew. Mug in hand, I looked at the selection of wrenches and eyed-up the offending part. Reaching in to check that there was no obstruction behind the AAV, I gave the thing a casual twist by hand... and it moved! B@stard! I unscrewed it more and more until it disengaged. B@stard! B@stard! B@stard! I could have just reached in and unscrewed it hours or even days before without all that sodding disassembly.
Needless to say, the new bit was fitted and the whole shebang was put back together, tested and running just fine and dandy way before I stopped swearing.
B@stard.
Actually, that previous sentence is incorrect. It's now eight hours later and I've not stopped swearing yet. A lot has happened during those eight hours, not least the formulation of a plan to insert that "great big feck-off wrench" sideways up somebody's rear-vent.
And the moral of this story is... ?
Every year we have a bonfire party which is well-attended by family and friends. We provide lashings of food and drink (no alcohol), there's shelter with seating and background music, all we ask in return is that folk bring a few fireworks, behave safely and sensibly, and have themselves a good time. It's our only chance to entertain such large groups of people - it's a "big garden, small house" thing.
Of course, the focal point is the bonfire itself. In years past we've had substantial piles of wood to burn, mainly due to the bits that either fall from or are pruned from our large Salix babylonica. Neighbours also contribute their unwanted bits of wood, so there's usually a sufficient supply of fuel to keep the fire blazing for a few hours.
This year, it's a bit different. The party format's the same, but the bonfire could be a biggy. The reason for this is simple - we've had the tree reduced considerably (cheers, Mick, I owe you one), quite a few main branches have been lopped and all of the dead wood has been removed. Consequently, the pyre is now 12ft in diameter and 15 ft high, with another two huge piles of wood and sticks waiting in the wings for their chance to be returned to the atmosphere from whence they came. This is what the scene looks like at the moment:
Now safety is paramount - the danger area is fenced off, there are always at least three adults on duty looking after the kids, another one dispensing fireworks from a safe steel box, and two others letting them off at a safe distance. We take all reasonable precautions to minimise the risks of damage to property and injury to people, and we're as prepared as possible should any accidents happen, but we were concerned about the size and siting of the bonfire so I decided to ask for the opinion of the experts. I called the County Fire and Rescue Service. The conversation was interesting, it went something like this:
Hello, this is the Fire and Rescue Service. Can I help you?
Hello. I'd like to talk to somebody about bonfires at domestic fireworks parties, please.
I can probably help you with that, what do you want to know?
Oh, just the basic things, such as: are there any size restrictions, and are there any recommended minimum distances from outbuildings, sheds, fences, trees, hedges, boundaries and the like. We're a bit concerned that the fire that we're building might be too big.
Ah. I'll just put you through to a colleague who may be able to help.
Through I went...
Hello, I understand that you want advice about bonfires.
Yes, please. Size, positioning etc.
We don't have any guidelines for domestic bonfires. We do publish documents about firework safety, but they don't cover bonfires.
OK. I'd probably have to get somebody to come have a look then. Please could you let me have the phone number for our local Fire Safety or Fire Prevention Officer? We're only five minutes from the local fire station, hopefully the Officer can nip over here at a time to suit himself and have a quick look, it won't take more than a quarter of an hour. I'll even put the kettle on for him.
No, he won't. They don't provide a service for domestic premises.
Say again?
They won't come to your home.
But this is fire prevention and safety. Part of the job remit, I would have thought.
(awkward silence at the other end)
But they will come around when the shed's on fire, or when the neighbour's house is alight, won't they?
Oh yes.
But then it'll be too late. I'm trying to prevent that.
(awkward pause at the other end)
Sorry. Is there anything else that I can help with?
Anything else? You can't exactly help with this matter, let alone anything else. Goodbye.
